American Rhapsody


 
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Sunday, January 29 2012

Things I've Done This Week

Fashion
Purchased a black dress shirt and a pair of black dress shoes to wear at a funeral our three upcoming orchestra concerts. Lost the will to live as I surveyed the racks of ill-cut, over-priced, or badly designed garments (quite often all at once), almost happy to notice that most of them didn't come in my size anyway. Subsequently cleaned the bathroom and vacuumed in said shoes to break them into submission.

Music
Listened to Soulsaver's It's Not How Far You Fall, It's the Way You Land on repeat, having rediscovered how beautiful the sound is on a stereo system as compared to compressed music played through cheap headphones or portable speakers.

Practiced my viola a couple times on top of the weekly orchestra rehearsal.

Social Life
Went for drinks with a guy on a Wednesday night. It was not a date as I had mentioned several times beforehand that I would bring a friend and invited other people to join. Other people failed to join and according to one of them and to the friend who did come, the guy is hitting on me.

Went to see The Artist on Saturday evening and for drinks afterwards. It was definitely not a date — and I would never have wondered about it if not for the earlier confusion. Loved the movie, which I found cleverly done and very well acted out and was remembered I stopped drinking sex-on-the-beaches because they're too sweet. Ugh.

Failed to attend a Sunday lunch I was looking forward to because of fever and general head-and-throat-soreness.

Miscellaneous
Found out thanks to a bus strike that it takes me fifty minutes to walk to work from home (under moderate rain).

Readings
Some Jeffrey Deaver book I have already forgotten.

A few chapters of The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.

The first few pages of Ten Lessons in Clarity and Grace.

Quite a few papers on Gaussian processes.

Work
Cleaned up some code. Implemented a bunch of comparison partners. Tried to make sense out of some simulations. Put together a project for students, which took forever because (a) some things just don't work on Macs (b) the simplified version of the algorithm that I thought appropriate for the course just doesn't work on that data. Worked on some grant proposal and resisted pulling out my hair at some people's use of the English language. Made sense out of some stuff "my" MS student has been doing. Silently screamed insanities at how power can be more important than good science — I was not at the receiving end of that particular piece of bullshit, but still, gets my goat. Tried not to cry thinking of my soon-to-be windowless office. ("But it has a window! Sure, half a meter away from the gray wall of another building. Think of all the pictures of palm trees and all you're going to put up on the walls!", says the guy who is never going to have to sit in any of those new basement offices because he's moving to freaking Los Angeles instead. Ass.)

Monday, January 2 2012

Resolutions, Schmesolutions

In 2012 I resolve to...

  • turn 27;
  • remember that a pair of striped socks or a pretty hat can make my day better;
  • keep doing things I enjoy (hot science, traveling, seeing friends, taking gazillions of pictures I don't have time to sort through, all of those at the same time, baking pumpkin pies, reading poorly-written detective stories, playing my viola, swimming once in a blue moon);
  • not give a rat's ass about my weight, the amount of exercise I'm getting, whether I should cuss less (you bet I fucking shouldn't), sparing more money, nor any of the traditional bullshit;
  • give the girl a break;
  • be awesome.

So, yup, pretty much the same I've been doing for a while (save the "turn 27" thing). Optionally, figuring out what I want to do when I grow up would be a great thing as well.

Happy 2012, y'all. Rock on! And have some more of the beautiful Granada here.

Granada from the Alhambra

Sunday, September 25 2011

Putting Down My Suitcase

After my two-week summer vacation, unevenly split between Portugal and the South of France, a conference in Bavaria and a brief appearance in lab, I am just back for a 10 days stay in Paris, triggered by my best friend's decision back in January to ask his girlfriend to marry him despite my having made my opinion of both marriage and weddings very clear to him (I still cannot believe that those two have the cheek to do whatever pleases them with their own lives), and filled with much more debugging than I ever care to do (I was working this week).

Continue reading...

Monday, July 11 2011

Does This Body Make Me Look Fat?

Alternative title: The "Women Who Are Never, Ever Again Going to Cry Over the Way They Look Because FUCK. THAT. SHIT." Kickass Club.

Alternative alternative title: Hey, Stranger, Wanna Hear Some Very Personal Shit About Me? I'm Told That's What the Internets Are For!

It all started again on a cold morning in March. My pair of dark gray jeans stopped fitting. I remembered the compliments I had gotten only four or five months before for losing the pounds I had packed on while writing my thesis. I started crying. I stood there, facing the mirror in my panties, mentally abusing myself for the convex curve of my belly, the cellulite on my thighs and the size of my ass. For the next two months or so, I hated myself. I thought myself worthless for being fat. I dragged myself around, felt utterly unhappy, and got entirely absorbed with myself and how fat I was.

Continue reading...

Friday, February 18 2011

Meep.

I'm doing fine, running around doing all sorts of cultural stuff and singing songs and making a fool of myself and so forth. I'm going along well enough with people that there's always someone I can talk or laugh with. My German has dramatically improved, more than I was expecting actually, but I'm started to get fed up with my classes. Which is probably also why I'm so excited to soon go back to science — aside from, well, science being made of awesome and shiny unicorns, and also what I've trained for for my entire life. That said, I eat poorly, spend way too much time sitting on my ass, run mostly on sugar and caffeine, and clearly don't get nearly enough sleep, so it's also time that I go back to the real life. Please don't point out that I generally spend way too much time sitting on my ass, eating poorly and not getting enough sleep in real life as well. I have Plans.

But I don't have much to talk about. Well, I do, but mostly about a topic I don't want to talk about (because it's painful, and because they're no way I can write about it without offending people I have no desire to offend). I realize it sounds like a cheap teaser, but I'm afraid it actually is a genuine impasse. However half-assed it sounds (and however much my spell-checker insists there's no such word as "half-assed"), it's nevertheless the reason why I haven't been writing lately.

So, yeah, you know. Meep.

Friday, December 24 2010

Where Was I?

Apparently I stopped worrying about reverb10 when I climbed in the train for Paris. Go figure. So, what did we miss?

Continue reading...

Sunday, December 12 2010

I Might Give Up

Day 12. Body integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn't mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

I...

I just laughed so hard I might have split a rib. How's that for mind-body integration?

I know I'm not always getting along well with my body. Nevertheless, I tend to consider myself as a whole. My mind and my body have to be integrated because my body is my mind's one and only interface with the world. When I'm dancing, but also when I'm eating, walking, sleeping, breathing, or sitting at my computer typing bad answers to nonsensical questions.

Saturday, December 11 2010

Eleven Fucken Things.

Day 11. What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

Yeah, right.

It should come at no surprise at this point that this prompt, like its ten elder brothers but the first one, irritates the fuck out of me. I can already see the responses. Some of them will be New-Year-Resolution style. Cigarettes, fat, chocolate, stress, clutter, procrastination, lack of exercise, lack of sleep, petty arguments, compulsive shopping, debt. Others will be more in the Miss-USA vein, like so many Facebook avatar memes. World hunger, wars, conflicts, pollution, cancer, dying polar bears, abused children, beaten wives, abandoned pets, corrupt politicians, oil spills.

Gah! Was this thing really supposed to be so sappy?

(I just had a look at what people wrote, using Twitter's search, and they're either snarky of as new-year-resolutionerish or miss-usa-ey as I feared.)

Call me resistant to self-help and self-improvement, but I find it so patronizing to assume that people have as many as eleven non-trivial things they not only need to eliminate but also can eliminate. The "can" part prevents me from drawing wishful, pointless lists including pain, right-wing fucknuttery, and perfectionism-induced freak-outs.

Or maybe I shouldn't assume anything about the triviality of the things and go on and list objects, but: I have weeded out of my life all objects that needed to go when moving out from California.

Friday, December 10 2010

Withered Inspiration

Dear Reverb10 prompts,

I haven't forgotten about you.

I have even read you.

Here you are, in all your glory.

Day 9. Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

Day 10. Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

What you inspire me, however, can be summed up as follow:

Blah.

I've already written all I was interested in writing about parties (whether or not dancing was involved).

I don't think of any of my decisions as wise. Good decisions? Certainly. Wise ones? I'm too young and foolish for something requiring as much experience, thought... and pretense as wisdom.

So here I am, facing the dry well of my withered inspiration.

Oh well, I'll just go and make some tea then. There's still some Jewish apple cake left.

Wednesday, December 8 2010

Different

Day 8. Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

I have no interest in marriage and weddings make me uncomfortable.

I don't dream of my future house (and I don't see what's wrong with apartments) and home improvement bores me to tears.

I don't like chick flicks nor chick lit. They make me feel uncomfortably inadequate. Even the ones so many people like (Juno comes to mind).

Continue reading...

- page 2 of 5 -

I read

Mostly detective stories. Occassionally, weird fantasy, theater, or Chinese literature in Italian (I have fantastic friends), real well-written books.

I listen to

Mof Montreal, Caravan Palace, the Ditty Bops, Dango Reinhardt, the National, Minor Majority, Léo Ferré, Beethoven, Sonny Rollins, Laura Marling, Erlend Øye, Hjaltalin, Sufjan Stevens, Yuri Bashmet. And others.

I am

late, I'm late, I'm late for a very important date, delighted by Oscar Wilde (One should always be a little improbable), a little improbable, still very much of a bloody leftist, heathen atheist, and a woman scientist.

Deep Thought

'To leave is to die a little. But to die is to leave a lot' (translated from French)
[Alphonse Allais]

(Almost) Legal Mentions

(Dammit this one joke only works in French. You're missing out.)
Not recommended for children under 36 months.
Please handle carefully.
Beware of the kitty.
Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.*
 
* Strike out if inapplicable